For the past few weeks I've been awol on this blog as well as all the other electronic homes where I reside. It's not because my muse has gone on a bender, but because my other social committments, aka, school auctions, those great time sucks that force you to spend most of your time nodding your head like those bobble head dogs on the dashboard of cars, have taken the center stage of my life.
This got me thinking -- as women, how much of our time is spent doing for others? Now, don't get me wrong, this world could benefit from a ton more "doing for others." Yet, at the end of the day, don't we ache for that one moment that is ours and ours alone? We are someone's wife, mother, daughter, co-worker -- our names are shouted early in the morning and in the middle of the night, usually linked with a "can you, I need, where is, have you seen." For me, the late night wailings make my eye twitch like something out of a Pink Panther movie -- hard wired to some remote part of mybrain that forces me upright when all I want to do is get three hours of sleep.
And the guilt, oh the guilt. It's bad enough I was raised Polish Catholic with a German mother -- a veritable kilbasa of heart beating guilt right there. Asserting yourself was not high on the menu -- where one did X,Y, and Z in that order if one wanted to be happy in life.
Virginia W. was right. A room of one's own. Where one can remember what is like to look at the sky, to swing on a swing until your lungs and legs hurt, to feel the heat of the ground on your back and smell the promise of spring below you.
What do you do that let's you remember who you are? Tell me.
Guilt...it should be a four letter word. I try to turn guilt into choices. It helps me sleep better at night. I choose to volunteer at my children's school to make it a better place for them. I chose to get married and have a family and be a lawyer, all at the same time. To steal a phrase from the inimitable Tim Gunn...I tell myself to Make It Work! If only it were that easy. Guilt goes hand in hand with all those choices I make and no matter how hard I try to remind myself I wanted all this, it's just too much sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, we never think we do enough. I'm sure my mother and grandmother felt exactly the same way. I'm sure they felt lost in all the stress and whirlwind that surrounded them at certain times in their lives. What's funny is, I never remember my mother being stressed out. Frustrated with my seeming inability to accomplish even a single chore...definitely. But that always seemed to be more about my lack of responsibility and not about her feeling overwhelmed.
So what do I do to remember me...I make things. Sew, knit, projects with the kids, projects with my girl scout troop, whatever. My greatest guilt as a mother/wife/daughter/professional is that I never finish anything and if I do, it's never enough. My little projects keep me sane. I can finish them in a reasonable amount of time and someone can use or wear them. Even if they're not perfect, at least THEY'RE DONE!!!
I also read. Voraciously. Whatever I want. It's one of the few things where I get to pick the subject matter, I can stop if I don't like it, and no one can say I failed if it takes me a year to get through something. The only thing I can't control is how much time I spend doing it. This falls into my "something is better than nothing" category. I also have a "don't give a crap" list. These are invaluable tools for today's modern woman.
Last of all, I have learned after many years to say no. No to projects and activities and favors and guilt that pile up and bury me. I'm much more selective with my time and energy because it is so important to me now, at 40, to feel some sort of peace at the end of every day. I thrived on stress when I was younger. Now it just wears me down and ruins a perfectly good night's sleep.
I hope my little coping skills help make me a better mother and wife and professional. I know they keep me from running down the street screaming at 2am. That must mean I'm doing something right.
Jen
Guilt...it should be a four letter word. I try to turn guilt into choices. It helps me sleep better at night. I choose to volunteer at my children's school to make it a better place for them. I chose to get married and have a family and be a lawyer, all at the same time. To steal a phrase from the inimitable Tim Gunn...I tell myself to Make It Work! If only it were that easy. Guilt goes hand in hand with all those choices I make and no matter how hard I try to remind myself I wanted all this, it's just too much sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, we never think we do enough. I'm sure my mother and grandmother felt exactly the same way. I'm sure they felt lost in all the stress and whirlwind that surrounded them at certain times in their lives. What's funny is, I never remember my mother being stressed out. Frustrated with my seeming inability to accomplish even a single chore...definitely. But that always seemed to be more about my lack of responsibility and not about her feeling overwhelmed.
So what do I do to remember me...I make things. Sew, knit, projects with the kids, projects with my girl scout troop, whatever. My greatest guilt as a mother/wife/daughter/professional is that I never finish anything and if I do, it's never enough. My little projects keep me sane. I can finish them in a reasonable amount of time and someone can use or wear them. Even if they're not perfect, at least THEY'RE DONE!!!
I also read. Voraciously. Whatever I want. It's one of the few things where I get to pick the subject matter, I can stop if I don't like it, and no one can say I failed if it takes me a year to get through something. The only thing I can't control is how much time I spend doing it. This falls into my "something is better than nothing" category. I also have a "don't give a crap" list. These are invaluable tools for today's modern woman.
Last of all, I have learned after many years to say no. No to projects and activities and favors and guilt that pile up and bury me. I'm much more selective with my time and energy because it is so important to me now, at 40, to feel some sort of peace at the end of every day. I thrived on stress when I was younger. Now it just wears me down and ruins a perfectly good night's sleep.
I hope my little coping skills help make me a better mother and wife and professional. I know they keep me from running down the street screaming at 2am. That must mean I'm doing something right.
Jen
Guilt...it should be a four letter word. I try to turn guilt into choices. It helps me sleep better at night. I choose to volunteer at my children's school to make it a better place for them. I chose to get married and have a family and be a lawyer, all at the same time. To steal a phrase from the inimitable Tim Gunn...I tell myself to Make It Work! If only it were that easy. Guilt goes hand in hand with all those choices I make and no matter how hard I try to remind myself I wanted all this, it's just too much sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, we never think we do enough. I'm sure my mother and grandmother felt exactly the same way. I'm sure they felt lost in all the stress and whirlwind that surrounded them at certain times in their lives. What's funny is, I never remember my mother being stressed out. Frustrated with my seeming inability to accomplish even a single chore...definitely. But that always seemed to be more about my lack of responsibility and not about her feeling overwhelmed.
So what do I do to remember me...I make things. Sew, knit, projects with the kids, projects with my girl scout troop, whatever. My greatest guilt as a mother/wife/daughter/professional is that I never finish anything and if I do, it's never enough. My little projects keep me sane. I can finish them in a reasonable amount of time and someone can use or wear them. Even if they're not perfect, at least THEY'RE DONE!!!
I also read. Voraciously. Whatever I want. It's one of the few things where I get to pick the subject matter, I can stop if I don't like it, and no one can say I failed if it takes me a year to get through something. The only thing I can't control is how much time I spend doing it. This falls into my "something is better than nothing" category. I also have a "don't give a crap" list. These are invaluable tools for today's modern woman.
Last of all, I have learned after many years to say no. No to projects and activities and favors and guilt that pile up and bury me. I'm much more selective with my time and energy because it is so important to me now, at 40, to feel some sort of peace at the end of every day. I thrived on stress when I was younger. Now it just wears me down and ruins a perfectly good night's sleep.
I hope my little coping skills help make me a better mother and wife and professional. I know they keep me from running down the street screaming at 2am. That must mean I'm doing something right.
Jen
After giving up 30 yearss of my life to marriage, being the good daughter in law, daughter, employee, volunteer,boss. mom - the guilt I feel is this: I would chuck it all tonight if I could. Meaning: there hasn't been a decision I've made since I had my kids (my oldest is 16) that I havn't regretted. The balancing act of my life, which, frankly isn't much different from most of my women friends, is impossible. What happened to me? The person who looks at me in the mirror - I don't recognize.
ReplyDeleteSo, how do I find myself again...hmmm. Do I have the courage to try?
Yes, you do -- because you are you -- and there is only one of you. And I for one, am very glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteS.
You should write a book, I would buy it. Yes! There is a feeling to doing things that have an end -- plus, these dying arts are arts for a reason -- they get us out of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAnd, oh mama, the "don't give a crap list" --- or the "it's your issue, not mine," those I understand!
Love,
S.